Confession time: I have ADHD. And like the nearly half of the Americans who have ADHD, I was diagnosed as an adult. I was 32 and already had a career, a family, and a livelihood to care for.
Although it was relieving to finally have an answer as to why I am the way I am, it was also distressing. What do I do now? Do I need medication? Do I need special accommodations at work? Am I going to have to analyze every action and reaction for the rest of my life?
These questions flooded my brain, and like a typical ADHD brain, I immediately became overwhelmed. Knowing what’s wrong with me doesn’t negate the fact that something is wrong with me.
Over the years I’ve worked with loved ones to gain an understanding of, well, me. I now know my tendencies and triggers, and the different ways I approach tasks.
For one, I over-analyze everything. I think too outside of the box sometimes, which is great when creating something new or solving a problem, but its terrible when doing regular and repetitive work. I need to see the purpose behind everything, and if I can’t make a connection I will immediately sign out. Deadlines are meaningless, I categorize everything as either now or not now, and then plan accordingly.
I’m pretty tired of seeing all of the social media posts about “Top 5 ADHD Superpowers” or “Your brain is special!” videos. Truth is my brain is an asshole. It does what it wants, when it wants, and doesn’t care about important things like responsibilities, deadlines, or remembering the simplest things.
It’s pretty serious too, I’ve lost multiple jobs because of my ADHD. My former managers have described me as “lazy,” “unmotivated,” “can’t meet potential,” and “lacks follow-through.” I’m not being dramatic, these things were actually written in my performance reviews and said during uncomfortable annual meetings.
I’ve seen many psychiatrists and therapists over the years, but all of them seem to only push meds on me. I’m not against medication, and even tried it for a few years, but they left me feeling numb and not myself.
I don’t want to be medicated, I want to be acknowledged. I don’t want to be managed, I want to be accepted. I don’t want to be regulated, I want to be seen.
My ADHD is mine, and I’ll own it. But what I won’t accept is how others, and society as a whole, want to change who I am in order for them to feel more comfortable.
I don’t want to be medicated, I want to be acknowledged. I don’t want to be managed, I want to be accepted. I don’t want to be regulated, I want to be seen.
AC/DC for my ADHD
Traditional treatment for ADHD includes stimulants, like Adderall or Ritalin. These medications chemically change the way neuroreceptors in the brain function to allow the brain to create and deliver dopamine more effeciently. Afterall, ADHD is really a dopamine regulation deficiency disorder than anything.
But what’s more stimulating than heavy metal? I’ve often found that while working on a long-ranging and often boring projects and tasks, listening to heavy metal calmed me down and allowed me to take on the task at hand more effectively. Among the screams and deafening power riffs, my brain was soothed into submission and allowed me to take control.
The way I like to think about it is my brain is like a runaway car. It’s going fast and uncontrollable down a hill and I’m desperately running after it. If I’m ever going to catch up to it, jump in, and stop it from disaster, I have to run just as fast and hard as the car is. In other words, I have to match the intensity of the challenge in order to gain control, not stay calm and collected.
Sure it may look loud, chaotic, and unorganized, but unfortunately that is exactly what my brain is: loud, unorganized, and chaotic. And if that’s the way it is, why not throw in some bad ass music as a soundtrack?
Disclaimer: This post is a commentary on my own journey and does not serve as mental health advise. Please consult with a mental health professional on a treatment plan that works for you.
