In last week’s episode, we talked about masking and the effects it has on our mental health journeys. Many of the songs we featured touched on the notion of having to be a different person in order to please others and easier navigate through life.

But the long-term effects of masking isn’t discussed nearly enough. The toll it takes on people, especially us neurodivergents, has real implications in our journeys.

What is masking?

Masking is the psychological term for the method in which one conceals their real struggles, emotions, and even identity in order to better fit in with the crowd, like a mask. Because of the stigma associated with mental health struggles, many people who suffer from neurological disorders and illnesses – including depression and anxiety – feel they have to hide their real selves and only show a positive and cheery attitude so others will accept and appreciate them.

It’s the proverbial “putting on a good face” that all of us have felt in various settings. Pretending things are great at family gathering after having an argument with your significant other. Showing up to work knowing you are not emotionally ready for the job. Being the strong and confident parent for your kids when all you want to do is sit in the corner and cry.

For some people, masking is a defense mechanism they use to navigate tricky situations in which they don’t feel 100 percent safe in. But for others, like me, it becomes a way to create a person who they wanted to become.

Shedding the Mask

As a kid, I was really into Batman: The Animated Series. I would hurry home to try to catch it when it aired after school. Among all the villains that Batman and Robin fought, Clayface was a favorite of mine. He was an actor named Matt Hagan who became addicted to a special clay to hide his disfigured face in order to stay working in films.

It speaks to the lengths people take to change themselves in order to fit in or have success. In Clayface’s case, his desire to hide his real self consumed him, literally and figuratively, until he was nothing more than a monster.

I found myself masking for the better part of 20 years as a way to achieve the same kind of career success. It started in college when I decided to change my major because I thought I would have better job prospects. I then studied my classmates to mimic their bubbly personalities, their outgoing and positive energies, and even their clothing styles. I found myself stashing my Metallica shirts and baggy pants and opened an Express credit card. Imagine me in skinny jeans and tight polo shirts. Yikes! I even joined a fraternity… which was actually pretty cool.

To me it was a means that justified the ends. Sure enough, I graduated and ended up moving up the career ladder within the public relations industry. I made amazing contacts, worked with reporters that are now award-winning journalists, and even put on a successful event in Washington just blocks away from the White House. It was a great experience, and I don’t regret the achievements I accomplished. But in the end, I didn’t do those things, my mask did. Enter impostor syndrome, another topic we discussed in the episode.

It took me 15 years to come to terms that the person who I had become, the person I invented to scale the career ladder, the cool PR guy that every loved and enjoyed working with was just a mask. After leaving a really good job, I had to rediscover who I was and find my real voice again. I mean literally, I had developed what my wife calls my “PR voice” which she knew was the fake me.

I’m proud to say after a few months, I have rediscovered the real me and getting more comfortable with my flaws and my ADHD, while accepting who I am and believing that I am enough.

Your mask is not you and you are not your mask.

Unfortunately, our society isn’t ready to see our authentic selves 100 percent of the time. It’s sad but true (Metallica reference!). There are always going to situations in which we do have to put on some sort of mask in order to navigate life. But what we should remember, and something I have to remind myself everyday, is that you are not your mask, and your mask is not you.

I encourage you to avoid the trap of thinking that acting like someone else would be better than being your authentic self. Don’t rely on your mask to solve your underlying mental health issues or challenges. Don’t let your mask be the only person your friends and family sees and allow them to see the real you.